In 1945 my grandfather was a prisoner of war in Bulgaria. He had been shot down by German fighters, parachuted from his spinning, bullet-riddled B-24 Liberator, and was captured by local militia.
He didn’t tell many stories from the war, but he liked one about cabbage soup. That’s all they had to eat. It smelled terrible and tasted worse. But they had to eat something or risk starvation.
The guards would make their rounds, and in the sweetest most innocent voice the GIs could muster, they would tell the guards “This soup tastes like shit you fucking cocksuckers.”
My grandfather would act out the scene for me and my brother, smiling and nodding, rubbing his belly, a look of gratitude in his eyes.
“Eat shit motherfuckers” he’d say, through a toothy grin. We’d be in stitches imagining the scene.
The guards didn’t speak English and thought the GIs were thanking them for their hospitality.
They’d smile back. “Okay? Okay?”
And my grandfather would respond “Danka, you dirty fucking cocksuckers!”
With that same smile of course.
The guards would leave and all the GIs would break out in laughter. It was one of the few things that brought a smile to their faces during that time.
Cabbage soup.
I know what you’re thinking, it’s like the Usual Suspects, and you’re right.
“Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker.”
See? It’s how you say it that makes all the difference.
Like your parents told you, “Watch your tone.”
Neal Brennon talked about this through the lens of dog owners in his recent standup special, Blocks.
“We think because we talk to dogs like they’re babies, they’re babies. They’re not. They’re our captives. Right? But we think because we go, ‘Are you a pretty girl?’” [in a baby voice]
“Pitch your voice down. See what a monster you are. ‘Are you a pretty girl?’” [in a deep voice]
You sound like Buffalo Bill.
“We can go outside. I have to put a chain around your neck.”
“Do a trick for me. I’ll give you a tiny morsel of food.”
“You’re my best friend.”
Say it with a high pitch and you’re a cute doggy daddy.
Say it with a low pitch and maybe you wear clothing made of human skin.
It’s not what you say it’s how you say it.
We all know it, but we still argue, persuade, and cajole with those words instead of that tone.
“I didn’t say that.”
It doesn’t matter.
“That’s not what I meant.”
We don’t care.
“In two famous studies on what makes us like or dislike somebody, UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian created the 7-38-55 rule. That is, only 7 percent of a message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker’s body language and face.”
Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference
Seven percent. That’s not much.
Email, text, you better find those emojis and give us a clue.
Teams, Zoom, you better find that camera and fill the emotional void.
Empathy helps. Awareness is key.
“A wise man told me don’t argue with fools. Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who.”
Jay-Z
Jay was right. From a distance, all you get are bits and pieces. Not enough to understand the whole picture.
But people will try. Right or wrong they’ll fill the gaps.
You’ll need to be aware of how this impacts your communication.
Because it is your communication.
Of course, what you say is part of the equation too, but less than you think.
Remember the cabbage coup?
How you say it can change everything.
