I’m surprised I haven’t mentioned it yet.
It’s sort of what I’m known for.
That moment when somehow, someway, I take what a customer has said and turn it into a reason to talk about Burien.
Yes, Burien.
That small city just south of Seattle. Sandwiched between the beautiful Puget Sound and the not-so-beautiful Sea-Tac Airport.
My coworkers give me a hard time about it. I’ll get an IM during the meeting.
“4 minutes, and 37 seconds.”
“There it is, the Burien drop.”
“Wow, did you just go from nearshoring data analytics work to Burien Azteca?”
How I manage to pull Burien into conversations is not as important as WHY I do it. And that is what I’d like to share with you today.
What the Burien drop represents is something Adam Grant calls uncommon commonalities.
In his book Give and Take, Grant explains that the similarities we value are rare ones. He calls them uncommon commonalities, and they draw people together because they make people feel like they are fitting in and standing out at the same time.
Grant says, “When I cold-emailed Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh, my first instinct was to mention that we attended the same college. After realizing that thousands of people share that connection with him, I looked for uncommon commonalities. I ended up writing that I first learned about him when my college roommate followed in his footsteps to run the Quincy Grille.”
Mentioning the Quincy Grille, a student-run concession stand at Quincy House dorm told Tony they went to the same school, stayed in the same dorm, and ran in the same circle. It is a much more powerful connection.
The lesson: having something in common is not nearly enough.
We all think Die Hard is the greatest Christmas Movie of all time, right?
But what if we had something in common that was only shared with a small number of people? What would that conversation look like?
That Indie Band you follow, and they follow? That’s more powerful than both of you seeing Dave Matthews Band in 2003.
These uncommon commonalities are where we can quickly build bonds where none previously existed. It helps people quickly build trust, feel safe, and let their guard down.
Ever run into a fellow American when you are traveling overseas? Hoboken and Huntsville never felt so close.
So, while Burien is growing, it’s certainly not Seattle, and that’s a good thing. It’s smaller and more unique. Much more uncommon. One of those “if you know you know” kind of places that makes it worth mentioning if there is the slightest hint of a connection.
Highlighting uncommon commonalities is the best way to catch a person’s attention.
I was born in Kowloon Bay.
In the classic comedy Wayne’s World, Benjamin makes an impression on Cassandra, a Chinese immigrant turned budding rock star, with his knowledge of her home country. A very uncommon commonality in the group she is typically hanging with at clubs around Chicago.
Benjamin: Who wants Chinese takeout? I know a great place.
Wayne: I’ll have the cream of sum yun gai.
Benjamin: Cassandra, why don’t you order?
Cassandra: Oh no. I’m sure whatever you order will be fine.
Benjamin: Oh, OK.
[Benjamin orders in authentic Cantonese]
Wayne [to the camera]: This guy is good.
Benjamin: Picked up a little Cantonese when I was in the Orient. You know you sound a lot like you’re from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay.
Benjamin: There you have it.
Wayne [to the camera]: This guy is really good.
Wayne is right. This guy is really good.
I know what you are thinking, “Dave, help me, I’m not from Burien and I don’t know Cantonese, how will I make friends using the uncommon commonalities technique??” I have good news. It works for so many things, and all it takes is awareness and curiosity.
While my coworkers give me a hard time about the Burien drop, I do this in several ways besides mentioning my hometown.
If I see a LinkedIn profile picture in the mountains, you’d better believe I’m latching on to that and trying to get towards backpacking. Something I enjoy in my free time.
If I see a background in education, I’m talking about my parents who were both teachers.
And like Adam Grant, if we attended the same school, I’ll find out if they are from the same year, same dorm, same major, or same activities.
There’s no wrong way to do this, just drill down on what you know and find something novel.
We are both from New York City, is not the same as we are both from Brooklyn.
We both play cricket might not mean much in India, but it means a lot when you live in Savannah.
The ability to connect with people on these less common frequencies is critical in quickly breaking down barriers and building relationships.
Robert Cialdini details this phenomenon in his (excellent) book Influence. To summarize his chapter on liking, “We like people who are like us.” Cialdini also points out that because people are more likely to search for separations, more likely to identify how we are different rather than how we are the same, putting an effort towards highlighting similarities is “a way to prompt harmonious interactions.” In other words, calling attention to commonalities is a good idea.
So do it.
Listen. Ask questions. And work your way towards more than talking about the weather. Anyone and everyone at the water cooler can talk about the Seahawks or the latest Mission Impossible.
What you want to do is work your way towards being a bit more uncommon.
A version of this post appears in my bestselling book, Passing Notes to Strangers.
What do you think?